from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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