Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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