White coat. Heels.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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