that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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