need another drink. this is the easiest way
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
