8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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