DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So much rum. So many feels.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
