Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
