Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
