I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
