Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
