There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
