You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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