So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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