my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
