So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
