I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
