Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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