I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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