Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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