Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
