Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
