Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
