dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize