Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
