i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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