Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
