my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
