it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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