Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
