I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found the puke drawer
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
