Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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