I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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