i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
