I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
