Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize