I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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