we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
