A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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