Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
