I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
