I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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