I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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