Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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