she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
