it hurts more in the daytime
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize