Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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