I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
