people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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