I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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