you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
