I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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