So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
