Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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