dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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