I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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