i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
