Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
