He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
