You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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