I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
