At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
