You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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