bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
